Hi I'm Emily

Hello. I am Emily Wilding Fackrell. I want to introduce myself here without pretence, without professionalism and without rules. This is me. No doubt I will overshare in some ways, as I do, and in other ways I will leave out large parts of myself and my life. Those can come later. I probably won't describe myself the way you would expect, even if you know me. This blog is here so that I can talk about myself, and about pretty much anything I want to talk about, for as long as I want to. There is a shit ton more coming, and I will be speaking freely.

Like it or don't. I don't give a fuck. Okay, that's a lie. I do give a fuck, but it isn't going to stop me, maybe for the first time in my life. The next post will explain a little of what the “raising a generation” project is about and what you can expect to find here. This one is just about me.

So who am I?

Well. That is tricky. Let's start with the important bit: what am I actually like?

I am a person who has never really known who I am, even though I have a strong internal dialogue about myself. I think deeply about things, and I have a strong sense of right and wrong. I have a deep need to be myself, even though I have never managed to feel secure about what that means, and it seems to shift and evolve by the minute. I have stories about that, and they will come in time: some excellent tales of transformation and discovery, and some dark, distressing moments and experiences that have shaped me, for better or worse.

I cannot bear rules unless they clearly serve a decent purpose, because I simply do not see the point of them. And by rules I mean everything from “don't walk on the grass” to “this is your gender and here is what it means”. I will challenge the status quo, sometimes to my own detriment, sometimes for the good. I am bursting with ideas all the time, and I feel restricted and caged when I am not allowed to express them and act on them.

I love working and socialising with other people, even though I don't always find it easy, and being my social self exhausts me. My urge to help others is strong, and I think it comes from a deep need to level the playing field. I crave pervasive equality in the world. I always wanted to be a writer, and a mother. Once I moved on through education and work it became clear that I cannot help leading and educating; whatever I do, I end up in those roles or get asked into them. It is my nature. I try to do it well, and with integrity. Sometimes I fuck it up and have to learn the hard way.

As well as thinking deeply, I feel things very deeply: my own feelings, other people's feelings, the energy in a room, the injustice in the world. All of it, all the time. Sometimes that leaves me tired and sad, and I need time and some love to recover. Human behaviour, relationships and neurology fascinate me, and although I can be astute in supporting other people, I often find my own social relationships far more complicated. I don't always seem to understand the rules of social life, even before I have rejected them.

What do people see?

From the outside I am a mum of four, a wife, and the managing director of a not-for-profit. To some I am also a Taekwondo coach, a sister, a daughter, a massive pain in the arse, and a caring friend. Sometimes all at once. Some people see a highly competent, charming, astute and strong woman. Others see a struggling, highly emotional, somewhat incompetent and confused mess. The people who know me best probably see all of it, and know I am simply doing my best.

So what's next?

Lately I have begun to genuinely accept parts of myself that I used to reject, hide from, fail to see, or hate. It is a process I went deep into almost six years ago, and it will be ongoing forever. I have made a lot of transformations in that time. Like a child learning to run, I had to learn a great many other skills first. I don't know what stage I am at now, but it feels different, and I feel ready to share.

Right now, thanks to a lot of amazing people in my life, I can say this: I am enough, and I matter.