Dear media consumers... STOP

Dear consumers and families. I know how tempting it is. I know it breaks up our mundane, sometimes exhausting lives. Watching, and often judging, the people who seem to have more than we do, whether in talent or in luck. We covet the attention, the recognition, sometimes the money, and we get our entertainment from observing lives we will never have.

And on a darker note, there is a slightly sick drop of satisfaction in watching them fall. In seeing their misfortune. In seeing that they are only human too, and that they suffer.

This weekend, all of us stood and watched what our appetite for celebrity stories leads to — our purchases of media that will do anything to sell them to us, and our misdirected attempts to meet our own needs.

Whether you avoid this media as much as you can, like me, avoiding celebrity gossip and reality TV, or whether you love it, whether you are more directly involved in sharing it or producing it, all of us have taken part. Yes, myself included.

Whatever mistakes this woman made, and whatever she wanted for herself in wanting a celebrity life, as many do, she did not deserve to die for it. She chose that life. She chose to die. But believe me: she did not make that second choice unaided. She was bullied by the very people who built her public life. She was bullied to death. And she is not alone. Diana was bullied to death as well. Amy Winehouse was tortured by being hounded. Peaches Geldof. Many others. Gary Barlow was bullied to the edge of it. Meghan and Harry left this country, and the ultimate privilege, because Harry would not let it happen to their family. Here in the UK we have a very serious problem, and a very persistent one. It runs through the whole society.

A friend posted today about domestic violence, with statistics and information, and I found it more than interesting. You can read her post here. Now, I cannot speak to what happened in Caroline's case. I don't have the facts. I don't want to sweep it under the carpet because she has died. It is serious, and the context of her death, and the overlap with domestic violence, matters. My friend's post shows that domestic violence is a very serious problem, and one this society does not manage well, or consistently. The statistics are clear that domestic violence against women is far higher, and does far more damage, yet the proportion of cases reaching trial is significantly higher where the victim is male and the perpetrator female. Even much lower-impact incidents, by the legal definition, go to trial when a man is the victim and a woman the perpetrator. That should surprise nobody, given we do not live in an equal society. Only 8% of domestic violence cases are brought to trial at all. What matters here is why this particular case went to trial, and we can guess with reasonable accuracy: because it entertained us. A high-profile woman made for clicks and downloads, for photographs bought and sold, for enormous consumption of celebrity.

What we have done is monetise bullying.

None of this is simple, and talking it over with friends and colleagues while writing, we agreed that I cannot do the issues justice here, because too many things are knotted together. I decided to try anyway. The forces combining to produce this tragedy are sexism, ingrained and everywhere; capitalism; a system that fails to address domestic violence; no support for mental health; and a culture that dehumanises people to the point where bullying is normal.

It happens in the media, in parliament, on social media, in workplaces, in schools and in families. We can blame Love Island, the media, the people who buy that media, the people who vote a certain way, and ourselves. We can, and I rather hope we all feel some responsibility, because we are all to blame, in very different amounts. What matters far more is that we act, and change things, now. All of us.

Stop seeing bullying and doing nothing. Stop clicking the links. Stop sharing them. Stop watching television that belittles other humans. Stop reading and buying newspapers full of hate. Stop telling your children that some people are worth more than others. Stop saying mental health matters and then ignoring people's cries for help. Stop disbelieving people who say they are being bullied, abused or assaulted. Stop letting our schools turn their backs on our children. Stop letting workplace discrimination go unchecked.

There are a million more stops I could list. This is not me sitting in judgement. I am telling myself as well.

And here is the biggest one. All of us have been the one causing pain. All of us have treated people badly, and some of us may have been responsible for bullying, or at least stood by while it happened in front of us. We are human. We are not always kind. We do not always bring our best selves.

Most of the time we never meant to hurt anyone, or to bully, and it happens anyway.

In Caroline's case, without knowing the facts, and without for one second lessening the seriousness of domestic violence, we can assume that one of her worst moments was used against her in the worst possible way. I would not want to be judged on my worst moments and have them paraded for the world. If she was guilty, should she face the consequences? Yes. But not like this.

We all need to remember that the person we are looking at, talking about, dealing with, working with, caring for, looking up to, or judging, is human. Just like us. A human being who can die of emotional pain.

I have felt suicidal. Briefly, once or twice, a long time ago. I have a family member who took her own life a few years back. I have a friend who lost her husband recently. I have watched friends attempt suicide, more than once. I have known many people so depressed that they were a genuine concern.

We need to stop taking part, stop standing by, and start acting. Stand against bullying wherever you see it. Teach your children, through your parenting, your words to other people and the way you advocate for them, that bullying is unacceptable. Start open, honest conversations about mental health and emotional pain. Start genuinely accepting and supporting people who struggle, people with ongoing mental health difficulties, neurodivergent people, people who are oppressed in this society. Stand up, loudly and explicitly, for anyone being bullied or abused.

The best news is that, as parents, we hold the strongest power to change things. We really do. How we treat the small humans in our lives sets up everything that follows. Some approaches to parenting and relationships depend on control, on power imbalances, even on bullying, to make children easier to manage. What we see in society now reflects how widespread those practices are. We can change it.

It takes work. It takes guts. It is also the most rewarding way to have a relationship with the small humans in our lives. The science says the same: it is the best way to develop their brains, and to give them a calmer, happier life.

Rest in peace Caroline Flack. May your family, friends and everyone who loved you find some peace in the years ahead. My thoughts are with you all. I hope the world changes, and I will not stop fighting for it.